: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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