Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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