You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
