I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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