My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
