I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
