Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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