I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
