I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
