Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dear god my vagina.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
