DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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