Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
