does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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