dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
