you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
