So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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