i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
