I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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