my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
