How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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