I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I deserve this hangover.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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