You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
