just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
