I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
