I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
