sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
