Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
