Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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