So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
