It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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