so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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