If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
