Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
FUCK WHALES
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
