He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
