Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
