I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
