I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
