A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
