i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
