Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
