i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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