You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
did i walk over a car last night?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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