This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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