If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
