I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
