Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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