Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
