sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
