Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
