I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
