you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
