I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
