My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
