i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
