R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
