he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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