We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
