My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
