I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
