She's JV to your varsity
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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