I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just gargled with NyQuil
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
